A break at last?

Although i had to take a loan the size of Texas to accomplish it and will have to cope with accepting charity from my remote family to be able to afford food due to the cost of not only the monthly rent but also the high loan interest, i'm finally [if all goes well] moving in to my very own apartment this December. Well, the loan hasn't actually cleared yet but the bank gave me an official "promise of loan" so i should be good to go. I wouldn't have gotten the loan if my mother hadn't vouched for me economically and i believe she did it as she is just as tired of the situation as i am.

Last Thursday, i went by transport to look at the apartment before signing the papers on site and i loved it. A wee bit on the small side for the price but newly renovated and very sober. After the trip i was completely out of it with fever but it and every other strain put in towards the move will be worth it in the end obviously. I can't wait as i see some great improvement in my health in just the change of environment. Finally i'll be able to spend more energy towards more important things evolving around the relief of my symptoms and improvement of my overall health as much as possible.

Some more good news for a change - I might actually be getting that electrical wheelchair i've been fighting so long to get. The person over at the LSS people in charge of deciding who gets an electrical wheelchair and who doesn't, is coming for a visit. Can't see how she could not grant me one seeing as it would mean a world of difference in my struggle to become more independent.

I might actually be able to drive out on my very own balcony in the near future, just to watch the sun set. Believe that??!! I still haven't had the health to sit in the lounge chair beside the bed for more then half an hour to this date and not too often to say the least, but i'll get there and will be able to reach the point where i can drive out to see that sun set. I know i will.

But i find myself reluctant in my joy as i know how i always set myself up for a fall that way when things later start to go south. Well, in any case things are moving forward and looking up a bit.

Here's hoping...

Warmth

I don't know how much more of this i can take. The insults are the worst right now and i've just stopped throwing them back all together. It's no use as it only ends up being more cannonfodder for her. If i didn't have the cat, my only source of giving and receiving love, i do not know if i could stand the coldness in this house until i finally get to leave for my own place.

I can do this just fine without support, god knows i have had to since i got sick, but to receive these continuous insults is heavily straining my psyche which is already burdened by the highly frustrating situation at hand. Let's get one thing straight - i am not, nor have i ever been depressed. I just don't seem to have it in me and always manage to carry on just fine no matter what without suppressing it for later inwards or outwards emotional explosion. I deal with things right away as they happen and it allows me to brush most things right off my shoulder. This ability have come in handy during this, let's call it test of will to live and will continue to aid me in my struggle for better health but the ability to effectively deal with this journeys emotional torture does not mean it can't break me. It's starting to.

I have a few people who i email with from time to time, but the real warmth i feel i need so badly has not visited me for quite some time. My mother and i are at war with eachother and have always been i guess. She's always been very clever when turning people against me and using easily swallowed cliches like telling everyone i had "teenage troubles" and so forth when we argued in my early teens, when in fact the only trouble i had was being stuck with her as my legal guardian. Living with her has always been, well let's call it interesting and a very unsettling experience for both me and my sister.

Here comes the best part. When i finally turned 16, had a job i loved, finally found an education programme i was passionate about and actually got in to after hating the first one i chose after junior high (things work somewhat differently over here) and was ready to leave everything behind after having endured and grown stronger in the process i was dragged down again, back into the bucket - that unsettling childhood coupled with the family therapy session mom dragged me to as an early teen where she convinced a thereapist i was such a beforementioned "troubled teen", when they eventually found out through my father, was what they explained my condition with when no apparent somatic reason for why i was sick could be found. Great. Super. Way to go dad, just what they needed to ship me off into oblivion. Oh, but first however i landed in the land of psychiatric care where they shared the information with me that i was actually making this whole thing with my poor health up just to "get the attention of my parents who never gave me any real attention whilst growing up".

Makes sense, right? Right.

One question though: How did we, the human race, ever make it this far?

Beats me.


I don't know what i would do without this Blog. It serves as a great way to let off some steam now that i start to feel overwhelmed in all of this. Even if no one reads this, it will still serve a purpose.

Later.